I just turned a page in my calendar.
I have always looked forward to this month with eager anticipation for the beginning of my favorite season, but this time, this unearthly tidal wave of elation, far surpasses that of its predecessors. At last, I can finally announce that I am getting married NEXT MONTH.
That statement feels like a big deal. To me - to my fiance and I, it is one of the biggest deals we will ever know. To others it is simply another event, but to us, it's everything.
Nearly eleven months ago Peter Pan beckoned me to follow him out my window and into the dark night that has been this wonderfully delightful, topsy-turvy year, and now, we are just hovering over our very own Neverland, about to descend. How did this happen? How did this one person that I now look at with such sweet, comfortable, entranced familiarity become who he is today - my everything? I have no idea. One night he finally got up the nerve to hold my hand and like an avalanche my independent existence vanished. All my illusional confidence faded, all feminist conviction departed, and I now needed a rare kind of life-support that happened to be packaged in graphic tees and dark brown eyes. Oddly enough, I did not care. My will for autonomy suddenly seemed foolish. All I wanted was him.
And here we are. Fifty days. Twelve-hundred hours. Seventy-two-thousand minutes. That is all that divides us and the deep, vulnerable, scarily close, earthly bond that is marriage. It's not the indescribable excitement nor the paralyzing fear I would have thought. It is glittering, butterflies-in-my-stomach, elated anticipation for a very great unknown with a very great known. I have never lived with this person before. I have never had to see him, hear him, or serve him twenty four hours a day. And, as much as I love him, that's slightly frightening to my introverted, selfish, and change-fearing heart. I know everything will be different, and there is no true way to prepare myself aside from continuing to fall further into appreciation and thankfulness for the man that will be standing at my side.
Here is what I know. This wedding will be beautiful. I have the man I love, a gown I adore, and a wonderful team of helpers that will keep me well-nourished and at ease throughout the day. But I also know that there are already a hundred things I would have done differently. Had I known that so many of the people I was depending on and most of the details that were finalized and set in place within our first four months of engagement would be negated through moves, back-outs, and life being...life, this would have been a very different wedding.
Strangely and happily, I do not really care. My groomsmen now have pants - finally. We have a honeymoon booked. We have a beautiful apartment waiting for us. It's all come together, just like they promised it would. Not the way I imagined perhaps, but that's okay. Life is much more interesting when it does not look like our Pinterest boards, as nice as that may sound.
I have begun a new job amidst trying to keep on top of my other pursuits and preparing for my new title of "wife." Though things may look reasonably polished on this site, be not fooled into thinking that I am breezing through this transition with the grace and elegance I would like you to believe. While I have not cried as much as I would have expected, the meltdowns have certainly been present and most of my anxiety has manifested itself in frustrated tones and snappy comments to completely undeserving loved ones. Life feels like a lot. A heck of a lot. And I am deeply thankful for forgiveness and humbled by my constant need for it.
I have certainly been making my fair share of mistakes lately, but I am trying (but totally failing) not to apologize for the things that I cannot really control. So, I will not say I am sorry, but I will thank you in advance for your grace and faithfulness over the next eight to ten weeks as I try very hard to keep this site a pleasant place for inspiration, but will likely need to take things a little slower. I have some really very exciting changes and plans for this space in the works for the near future, but for now, things may be a bit more...relaxed.
I'm going to go light all my pumpkin candles now. xoxo